Lead me.....

Some see being "led" as a sign of weakness...I see it as a sign of great strength! It takes a lot of strength to not not dig your heels in and shout "Stop!" Or "No, go this way!" It is not easy when you really just don't understand what God is doing and where it will all lead. I am not perfect and there are those times I do dig my heels in, but He is so good and He leads me with love and kindness. Over time fear turns to trust. When you can look back and see He has been faithful in the past it becomes easier to trust Him in the future. It all begins with a first step though.



Back in December Nathan and I were talking in the car one night on our way back home from visiting family. The dream of Selah was on my mind and Nathan had mentioned how much more we had been talking about it this year then the years before. As we were talking a song came on the radio that I had heard before and loved. "Bless the broken road" usually sang by Rascal Flatts. This time it was a different group singing, same song just as beautiful but this time it was different as I listened to the words "Every long lost dream, lead me to where you are. Others who broke my heart they were just northern stars pointing me on my way into your loving arms...God blessed the broken road that lead me straight to you." My heart filled with joy once again I turned to Nathan and said " That's her song!" Just like my other kiddos, God put a song on my heart while I was pregnant with them. It was "their" song. Here in the car holding Nathan's hand, he squeezed my hand and smiled. When the song ended the radio host came on saying "Bless the broken road" song by Selah!!! I bursted into tears! I can't even describe to you the feelings that overflowed from my heart and body! HIS presence was made known in the JOY and great PEACE that filled that car! He was still with us and leading us and preparing us for the steps ahead.



I found myself praying more and more for Nathan. We together had always agreed on adoption to be apart of our family but I found myself praying that God would lay it on Nathan's heart more. That HE would bring it up more, I needed God to lead his heart on this, not me. I decided not to bring it up anymore, just pray! January 11th Nathan and I went on a much needed date night :) We visted the resturante we use to frequent before we had kiddos. It was a nice evening and before the end of dinner Nathan brought up that he thought it was time to start seriously looking into and starting the adoption process. He said that although he did not feel ready right that second, he did not want to wait tell he "felt" ready because adoption can take a number of years. You would think I would feel overwhelming excitment hearing him say this....but I was scared! OH MY....is this really happening??? I went to sleep praying God would lead us and show us the way!



The next day, January 12th was a day that the world would not forgot. Haiti was struck by a 7.0 earthquake. My thought instantly went to a family in our church who was in the process of adopting their son from Haiti. I was glued to their blogs and the blog of the rescue center in where he stayed. My heart felt broken and I could not believe what my eyes and ears where hearing. I prayed and cried for this family and for all the people that were connected to this tragady round the clock. My heart especially went out to all the already orphaned children and now the ones to come. In the midst of staying up to date on the rescue center one of the ladies that runs it posted a blog on Jan 15th titled " I am". In the blog she was describing all that what happening around them and was asking for prayer for all the needs and struggles they faced. Twords the end of her blog something caught my eye before I got to finish reading it. She had posted this...




I think my heart shot into my throat and then into my stomach! She went on to say how that CD was playing round the clock at the rescue center and brought them so much peace :)It took me a second to realize this must be the CD cover, it could have been a picture of my girl as far as my heart was concerned! Little does she know that she was used by God so greatly in my life by posting what she did. I can't deny that God is with us and leading us!


For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them.

Ephesians 2 :10


This is just one of many moments that have taken my breath away. I have to remind myself of them when fear creeps in. That this was all prepared beforehand for us to walk into. Of course these blessed moments seem to be followed by some sort of emotion attack , physical attack or financial to discourage us. I will have to go into all that later, that is a story for another time! I am also not blissfully unaware of the hardships that come with adopting, believe me I have been reading up and watching others who have walked the road before me. I am not going to lie it can really scare me! However we have to choose to look up, keep our eyes off ourselves and our plans and ways and trust Him and to trust Him to lead us...after all He is the one who prepared it all beforehand :) I would rather be led by Him and live in His peace, than to be anywhere else!

A dream of a teenager.....

I have never forgot it. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her, the little one in my dream. A teenager my main concerns were church, friends and well....boys! I don't remember the exact year or what all was going on in my life at that time but I will never forget what I felt and saw. Asleep in the comfort of my bed I dreamed.In what seemed another country the land looked destroyed, like a war had just taken place. There was no one in sight. There was rubble everywhere, the air was thick like a thick fog. I heard a faint cry and looked down. There she was a little toddler girl, alone. I immediately picked her up and she wrapped her arms around me and I around her! In that moment I experienced something that my little teenage heart had never felt, it was LOVE. A deeper love than I had ever known! It was overpowering and it was beautiful, it was a mother's love for her child! In that moment she was mine. My girl! I kept saying it over and over " My girl, my girl! I love you!" I carried her around, attached to my hip. Taking care of her, protecting her, loving her. Some government soldiers appeared and said I could not keep her. I kept crying "But she's mine!" They said because I was a single woman I could not keep her. I held onto her so tight and she clung to me and then.......I woke up.

In a panic, I sat straight up my heart racing and still overflowing with my love for her I searched around me "Where is she??? It was just a dream? Nooo!!!" It was so real! It was more real than anything ever was to me. I laid back down and cried and begged God to return me to that dream. To return me to her. I cried myself to sleep mourning.

The weeks following I was so shaken up. I was mourning for her and I felt it so hard to function. Then one day I was reading in Psalms and one word stoped me in my tracks, one simple word and I was covered in peace and joy. Selah. I felt God speak to me that one day I would find her through adoption and her name would be Selah....Selah Joy!

Selah ...to stop,ponder, lift up. Joy...gladness.

Rejoice in the Lord always; and again I say, rejoice! Let your gentle spirit be made known before men. The Lord is near. Be anxious for nothing but through prayer and supplication make you request be made know to God. And the peace of God that surpasses all comprehension will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:4-7


Fast forward to now.....God has brought me the most amazing husband ever, Nathan!

He is my very best friend! We are super sappy and silly! Wither it be a spontaneous slow dance in the kitchen or me yelling "Run baby run!" At 5:00 am on black Friday. We will have been married 6 years in April and it just seems like yesterday and yet forever :) We were given two beautiful children together, Noah and Madelynn! They have filled our lives with great love and laughter. Children are built in entertainment! Who needs the movies???

Noah is our little worship leader. From one year he was "singing" along during worship time with a little pudgy dimpled hand raised. None stop singing and playing his guitar he will preform for anyone who will listen! Boy do I love that guy! Madelynn our little surprise,she can be oh so serious sucking away on that little thumb of hers. The next minute she is singing and dances along with Noah and she knows how to melt hearts!

Never forgetting Selah (we saved her name for just her). She was not born from my body but conceived in my heart. I also hear testaments of people who start out adoption w/ a girl in mind but end up bringing home a boy :) Or changing where they adopt from or how many! Who knows...maybe we will adopt more! Ahaha! I can here the gasps! Yesterday I put in a request at Holt international for an information packet on China and Korea and application! Next week I will hopefully be talking with someone from Holt to help us with some questions and details. I have been asked by some loved ones how we can afford this? You know...we really can't. I heard something like 80-90% of people who adopt can't afford it. That is where God comes in :) I have found my self saying this often "I don't know what the future holds but I know HE who holds the future!

So thanks for making it this far on my first blog entry :-D Hopefully I can spruce this place up and make it my own home sweet home!